Cruz & Sirius

[[TIMESKIP]]

doggy style > so are you gonna tell me why you hate me/are mad at me or am I just gonna have to make up theories

que > ok
que > but you have to promise me that you're asking out of curiosity
que > i haven't been upfront with you for a reason
que > and let's call that reason Cruz's parodox for now, without getting into things

doggy style > I'm asking because I want to fucking continue being your friend
doggy style > and I want to know what I did to fuck up so I can rectify it
doggy style > because I value you as a goddamn person
doggy style > that's my reason for asking

que > fine
que > but it's funny you put it that way
que > because my issue with you is that I realised how little I felt like a friend to you
que > with all sincerity, Sirius
que > you're self-absorbed
que > you may not think so, because you hate yourself so much
que > but that's a part of the problem
que > it seemed like my only interactions with you revolved around how much you were hurting
que > and I like helping people, I sincerely do
que > but it became evident that my help was no use at best
que > and at worst you used me as another tool to hurt yourself.
que > and I realised that that was my main function to you
que > you didn't see me as a person, I don't know one time you asked about me without it somehow being about you
que > I was just another thing you used to cause pain to yourself
que > and that's also why I haven't told you about this
que > because I knew, that as soon as I spoke out, you'd do it again
que > you'd hurt yourself over what I sincerely needed to say
que > that's the parodox, Sirius
que > I can't express my problems with you without feeling like I'm going to feed into the same problem
que > even now I don't know if you'll take this as an opportunity to hurt yourself
que > I guess I'm a little more positive that won't happen because for the first time since we've known each other, you've approached me.

doggy style > okay first of all I'm glad that you said something to me because otherwise there's no way either of us could move forward at all
doggy style > second of all, yeah
doggy style > I'm a self absorbed piece of shit
doggy style > I'm constantly thinking of ways to hurt myself because I think I deserve to be hurt
doggy style > and that in turn hurts everyone around me
doggy style > including people I care about
doggy style > and you have absolutely every right to shut me out of your life because I treated you horribly and I won't fault you for that if that's the case
doggy style > but
doggy style > I want to be a better person
doggy style > I want to be someone that can properly care about other people that I meet instead of disregarding them
doggy style > I want to be someone that people feel comfortable coming to about problems because I want to solve them
doggy style > and I guess I want more friends?
doggy style > things seem a lot easier when you aren't alone
doggy style > and I've been alone for a long time and it kind of fucking sucks and I'm basically done feeling like this
doggy style > sorry I'm getting self absorbed again
doggy style > I guess what I'm trying to say is
doggy style > I want to be your friend cruz and I want to do it properly
doggy style > and you have every right to refuse me because I treated you horribly before and you don't have any guarantee that I'll do it again
doggy style > but I'm really sorry for my previous behavior
doggy style > it was wrong of me to use you to hurt myself
doggy style > and it was wrong of me to ever think that my problems overshadowed yours
doggy style > because they don't, really
doggy style > if you're willing I'd like to have an open ear in regards to you
doggy style > and if I fuck up I know I can trust you to call me out on it
doggy style > and this time I'll listen
doggy style > that's really all I have to say
doggy style > I'm hoping for a positive response but I understand if you would reject me
doggy style > and I'll take your decision either way

qqque > thank you for taking this seriously, at least
que > that much is appreciated
que > but I hope you understand that I can't just go on your word here
que > especially in a medium like text where I can't even be certain that you are you right now
que > I need to actually see actions with this before I'm completely comfortable
que > I can't tell you exactly what those actions are, you have to work that out by yourself
que > but I will give a pointer in regards to our professional working relationship
que > just because you know someone we're working with on a case doesn't give you the right to override other people's thoughts on the matter
que > it honestly pisses me off that you keep finding yourself connected to so many cases
que > at first I thought that was reason to suspect you of being an infiltrator
que > but now I'm just sure it's because of the bad stock you were raised with
que > but that being said, on more than one occassion you have talked over people or even disrupted investigations because you know who someone is
que > that is neither the right way to conduct ourselves professionally
que > or fair on any of us having to deal with it
que > that's it
que > that's all I'm giving you
que > I'll try to be a little more open and patient with you while you figure out the rest
que > but it will take us a bit of work to become friends, and you have to be ready for that

doggy style > I wouldn't believe me either I just wanted to talk about this because I thought it was important
doggy style > I can't really do anything if I'm connected to a case, that's something completely out of my control
doggy style > and I won't stop voicing my opinion if I think it will help the case at hand
doggy style > but you do have a point
doggy style > I'll try not to drown out other people
doggy style > I'm not expecting this to be an instant miracle work either, like bam we're friends and everything's good
doggy style > I just wanted to open that possibility instead of us just being like
doggy style > permanently cold to each other til the end of time
doggy style > because that isn't feel good for either of us

que > at least we've come to an understanding here
que > I understand that it's just coincidence that you're connected to a lot of cases now
que > I did go through a time where I felt it was a sign of you using your position in DoCA for something untoward
que > but I think that was more a projection of my frustrations, that if my problems were something more than personal they would be taken more seriously
que > I understand that isn't the case now
que > but I still wish that you'd listen to others regardless of your connection to the case
que > that's that.
que > I'll try not to be so cold going forwards
que > I'm doing better at that in general
que > Hex's presence has really improved my mood, so I shall use that for the good of others as well

doggy style > nah that was 100% coincidence
doggy style > if I could avoid my personal life and my work life colliding I would because then it gets messy
doggy style > and as we've seen, it sure does get messy
doggy style > hex.......
doggy style > you two got pretty close fast I gotta say
doggy style > and you like her a lot from what I can tell so good for you

que > it does
que > we just have to try our best to work around it
que > and yes
que > Hex and I have connected very fast
que > and I'm very glad for it
que > if I'm being truthful
que > our mutual understanding of each other has given me a lot of strength
que > and I may not have been able to have this conversation with you without her

doggy style > dang
doggy style > I'm glad she's having that kind of impact on you
doggy style > everyone needs a beacon of genuine heartfelt positivity in their life
doggy style > esp after the shit you've gone through

que > not to speak with honeymoon phase goggles
que > but she really is someone who's provided me so much joy
que > and I'm glad she thinks of me similarly
que > and not to put a downward turn on that sentiment, or our ongoing reconciliation
que > but no offence, but I'm fairly sure you don't know what I've been through as a whole